Love Relationships AdviceIn the following piece Brian Maloney explores why someone's self esteem can seem to depend on the person he or she is having a relationship with. He looks at the opposite to this too, when someone believes that other people need you, and he then explores where true inner strength comes from... How
Do We Know When A Relationship Has A Future? Why is it that depending on others to fulfill our self worth is a concept that we all can relate to? Sacrificing what our thoughts, emotions, decisions, and likes or dislikes are, for the betterment of someone else’s. It is as if depending on the other person who you hold so high is more fulfilling then standing alone, independent of the other. It’s root resides in a past when a person didn’t realize they really had wings that could fly. Therefore, for fear of abandonment, they suppressed their own self worth, avoided confrontation, and then continued to please who they were dependent upon. In contrast, the counterdependent person who has someone codependent towards them, is pretending that they don’t need anyone else and have concluded that people only need them. Both codependency and counterdependency are an internal defense systems that shield and protect from past wounds of abandonment. They both are dysfunctional and lead the codependent person down a tattered road of unfulfillment and eventually depression. Perhaps, it could be said that all of us are, to some degree, dependent upon others because, after all, we are social creatures who inevitably need each other in some capacity. However, when it saps your very core of enjoying the gift of life God gave you, then the sun never rises and the darkness only gets darker. We came into this world alone and we will also leave that way! Inner strength comes from a true respect and love for yourself, no matter what the situation or condition is. Although, deep within many of our wounded souls, that love is not strong and therefore self respect is not properly attained. This is where your deep-seated self-worth is obtained and how you perceive yourself. In addition, it is the weakened aura you emit to others see you that is not totally erect, but somewhat wilted. Many of our true societal problems, whether they are insecurity, control issues, codependency, addictions, manipulative personality disorder, seclusion, or simple anger, stemmed from a lack of self love, self worth, and self respect. Hence, people replace one problem for the another! If you are lonely inside and do not feel as though you can love the real you, then any and all subsequent relationships will feel that same inner turmoil until your inside is truly loved! These social problems listed above can intertwine, commingle and cross each other’s boundaries in a very insidious manner. There is not one issue more serious than the other, they are more or less on an equal plane and being dependent on another, is certainly no exception. By not allowing one’s self-worth to be determined by another’s perceptions, by not feeling that being loved by another is conditional on living up to the expectations of others, or merely pleasing them, is absolutely critical to healthy functioning! Taking full accountability for the way you feel instead of others making that discerning determination allows you to be self dependent, kicks out the crutch, and makes you stand alone. As scary as that may seem to some, it is by far the best way to perceive your self-worth. Trusting that you can own your own emotions, whether they are anger, happiness, setting boundaries, or leaving, is how we can come to the serene life we always dreamed of as a child. These decisions and self-adjustments for the better can be made! It takes a personal acceptance and a subsequent love for yourself: then the fragile person previously tethering by a string, is now firmly tied unto itself, immersed in self confidence and independent, not codependent.
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